One band that needs to get called out on their shit is Coldplay. For some reason this band is respected. I can understand why they are liked.....by a shit-ton of people, but I can't understand why they are respected by anyone. They are liked because, close your eyes now, say I'm your typical frat boy. I've got a backwards hat on, like my beer cheap and in copious amounts (this is true about non-frat Phil, though he also likes good beer...on occasion....which would mean when he isn't trying to get drunk....which is rarely), my hobbies include watching sports, playing amateur sports, not thinking, and slipping ruffies into girls drinks. I hear a band on the radio and behold what is this? A band I can listen to while I'm sexing a lady....when she's conscious? What more? I can play this when I visit mom and pops. Fuckin sweet bro! Coldplay is this band.
So literally in my dreams, kind of that half awake half asleep mode where you're thinking, but it feels like your sleeping I got the idea to post about funny stories from a little adventure I had. I think it was the summer of 2003 when I went on tour with the band I was in at the time (myspace.com/conductingfromthegrave) around the country for five weeks. (Since leaving this band they have gone downhill. One of the members admitted to me that they 'simplified' their sound to be more appealing to the bread and butter of bands of this type, the pack of insecure high school kids whose disposable income greases the wheels of not only the majority of the hardcore and metal scenes, but every single subscene between these two genres.) I digress. So we decided to do a tour with a band called Light This City from the Bay area. All in all it was fun, it also made me realize that I wouldn't want to be in a band full time. Some quick little stories I can recall, I'll try and add pictures to this when I get home.
- The van we took belonged to one of the guitar players. It was a total piece of shit, and he was a fucking idiot when it came to any sort of vehicle maintenance. Hence after driving thousands of miles we take it in to get the oil changed and inspected, and the service man says "good thing you came in when you did she only had a few drops of oil left in her." The owner of the van at that point says, "oh yeah I forgot to check that before we left."
- The day before we leave for tour we have a going away party (which I showed up late to, because I was seeing Undying play with Embrace the End, yeah if you live in Sacramento, where the fuck were you?). When I finally do show up everyone is already quite drunk. I'm getting hugs from people who have never hugged me. Ugly bitches are swarming. Uglier men are swarming the uglier bitches. Its chaos. I vaguely remember singing happy birthday to someone. I digress. This proceeds into one of those all night parties; its 5AM and I'm in a hot tub still drinking with the three or four other people that are awake. We leave the hot tub and behold someone is asleep on the couch. I do what any drunk person would do at 5AM and don't tea bag him, but actually rather place my dick on his lips (Fuck I can't go one blog entry without mentioning it). We fail to get the camera phone picture of the actual event, but that is hardly the end of this story. We leave for tour and we drive five or six days to the first show (Yes we are VERY FUCKING retarded) where we are to meet up with Light This City. During this time everyone other than the victim of this prank is informed of its occurrence. As this point numerous references start being made about "Man if a dude put his dick on my lips I would fucking kill them. Would you (insert victim's name here)?" You get the picture. Come about the fourth day of the tour we are parked in a parking lot we are planning on spending the night in. We are drinking a beverage that blew our mind: Milwaukees best. It blew our mind because it was something like $3.50 for a twelve pack. Beat that costco. The victim of the prank we think is out of ear-range and someone says something along "the best part of the jokes we've been saying for the last three days is that he doesn't know he got dick on his lips." Well the victim hears this and stews in anger for about half an hour. We realize he knows and he is pissed, someone makes yet another reference to dick being placed on the victim's lips and this provokes one of the strangest reactions to a practical joke ever. It needs to be said that we are standing around the trailer hitch between the van and the trailer. The victim comes out of seemingly nowhere, quite batmanish with his pants down and his dick out shouting "You think its so funny?! How 'bout I put my dick on your lips?!" Now, navigating around a trailer hitch requires serious highstepping, like you see in videos of military or football training. With the victim straddling the trailer hitch, cock in his hand, confronting another member of the band (always seemed strange that he didn't choose to target me), the other member of the band, known for his short temper says "Don't wag your fucking dick at me asshole." and pushes him, causing him to trip over the trailer hitch and fall to the asphalt dick in hand. Talk about utter defeat. So sometime later, we play a show with a cool band called The Concubine and we are chilling in a Burger King parking lot, because that is where we are going to spend the night. I proceed down the path of getting too drunk too early. This results in accusations that I peed on the back of The Concubines trailer, which I swear I peed to the side of. Regardless, I ended up passing out in the driver seat while the party raged on. Needless to say, that night revenge was had. A dick was placed on my lips, though not the original victims. Worse it belonged to a particularly slutty member of Light this City, I think he gave me beard crabs.
- The previously mentioned slutty member of LTC had a chick from Myspace meet him after our show in NYC (Worst show of the tour. period. fuck you NYC.). What was interesting about this was that her parents were driving her around. So this series of events takes place:
1. Chick doesn't come to our show
2. Chick and her family show up afterwards, and he gets a rid back to their house with her parents, with us following them.
3. We go party on the shore of Long Island while he eats dinner with her family. While at the shore we run into some very stereotypical New Jersey residents who, upon learning we're from California say "ehhh theres a buncha fags out there isn't there?" (Fuck you as well New Jersey) Also, a cop rolls up on us with a considerable pill of beer cans on the ground by our van, asks us if we're all 21, which we say yes to despite it not being the truth. He simply says "Pick up those cans and get the fuck outta here."
4. We sleep in the van outside of this chicks house while dude proceeds to get a blow job from this chick, WHILE HER YOUNGER SISTER IS SLEEPING IN THE SAME ROOM.
5. In the morning her family cut up some watermelon for us and it was delicious. We also realized that the previously mentioned victim of the dick on the lips (the original victim, not yours truely) looks a hell of a lot like Steven Seigal when his hair is in a pony tail. Resulting in this picture of him breaking someone's neck, just like Seigal would.
This is all quite a bit of writing. Carpal tunnel is definitely setting in right now. I'll write more some other time.
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