More Penis Madam??? Yes Please.

This will be a quick one. I have about ten minutes left of work and thought I would tell this story.

On the music end, one very wise thing a reviewer said was that the Beatles are the most important band because they essentially started off as the Backstreet Boys, took drugs, and then turned into Radiohead. I thought that was quite profound, and goes very much against the title of this blog. Stop. Penis time.

So I'm gonna guess this story takes place sometime around seventh or eighth grade, which would have made me 12 or 13 at the time. Me and my friend, at the time (I'm partially able to date this story because this particular bag of dicks stopped being my friend freshman year) Colin are playing at my house. Just your typical boyhood games baseball, kickball, tag, ookie on the cookie, you get the picture. All of a sudden I notice a burning in my loins. And I'm not kidding you this is very much a BURNING in my LOINS. I go inside, glance down my pants and I'll be goddamned if my balls have not grown by probably 75%. Now I'm a young man, I'm going through puberty, I expect some growing pains, but this seems a bit over the top. Alarmed, while admittedly kind of self-impressed with my much larger balls, and in consider pain, I decide to tell my parents about this situation. Colin must have been sent home or something (maybe thats why he stopped being my friend) because we went to the hospital. Turns out I was experiencing a testicular teasion.

Below would be what a normal pair of testicles in a scrotum would look like:

When one experiences a testicular teasion, your testicles look more like this:

What this MS Paint masterpiece fails to convey is that the intertwining of the strings that carry blood to the testicles, is tight, tight enough to cut off said blood flow. This is where my pain came from. Good times. Mind you I’m still a virgin at this point, I’m not even sure I’ve learned to masturbate at this time, so at this point the score is:

ME: 0

BALLS: 1

And what a vicious one that is.

Surgery was quickly done and now, though I’ve never seen it, I apparently have something along the lines of a splint in my scrotum so that my two boys can’t get intertwined again. I should have just asked for a vasectomy while they were in there, cause I support adoption, but I don’t think I even knew what one was at the time. Oh to be young and dumb, with enormous swollen balls.

One of the best parts of this story though is my first time back to soccer practice when the coach told all the kids that I had surgery on my arm. I never knew if my parents told him that, or if they told him the truth and he covered for me, but I was soooooo relieved. I think I’ll ask my Mom if she remembers. Till next time, keep yo head up shawty, and guys, keep your balls separated.